Here are my notes for a screenplay that reached the finals in three major
contests and was recently optioned. In addition to the "big picture" notes you see here, I always provide numerous scene/line-specific comments as well (for a total of at least 6 pages of notes on your script).
SCRIPT
NOTES – [SCRIPT TITLE] – [DATE]
[WRITER’S NAME],
I really like this
story! The main character’s medical condition
is fascinating and full of thematic resonance.
And the Sleeping Beauty myth gives you a great springboard. There are so many sweet/funny/clever moments in
this script! I love the feetie pajamas
when we first meet Keely. April and
Robbie stand out as likeable, vivid characters.
The dialogue is natural and strong.
And the kiss from Robbie at the end should be a poignant on-screen
moment and really nail your play on the famous fairy tale.
All that said, I
think you can push this further. Here
are my thoughts:
PLOT/STRUCTURE
My biggest note is
that, for me, Keely’s sleeping disease doesn’t feel sufficiently organic to the
story yet. After the preamble, we don’t
see her fall asleep again until half way through the action. Until then, except for occasional teasing and
dialogue moments, her problems are the same as any kid who was home schooled
and has to adjust to school.
But her condition is
so fascinating I really wanted to see it in play. That’s what makes this story so tricky to
tell. You can’t show her sleeping all
the time. You mainly have to show her
life when she’s awake. But the whole
reason this story exists is because of the sleep. It’s a challenging dance to pull off.
Here’s a suggestion:
You could take some chances with the structure.
Perhaps even risk the dreaded “episodic” word producers throw around and
make Keely fall asleep again and again.
We could see snippets of Keely trying to live her life in these short
bursts.
Otherwise, as it is
now, I don’t feel the impending danger of Keely being about to fall
asleep. Reading this version, I often
forgot that sleeping was her problem and felt like I was watching a movie about
a typical teen trying to fit in.
Another idea: I have a thought on an additional way to get
us inside Keely’s struggle. She’s in the
middle of trying to get something she wants – the guy, the win in the big game,
etc. – and she blacks out, and we hear life going on without her as we stare
for a moment either at a black screen or at Keely sleeping. Just a thought.
If you don’t want to
change the structure, you might consider making Keely almost fall asleep a
number of times during the early days at school, so that we feel the tension –
that it might happen at any moment. Or maybe
she does fall asleep for a few seconds at embarrassing times.
CHARACTERS
KEELY
Her character is
working in many ways, but she’s a little passive. At a number of key moments, Keely doesn’t do
or even say much.
When it’s time to
convince Edie that she can handle school, Keely starts off feisty, but then
Keely leaves the room and Doug finishes the fight. Keely doesn’t even initiate her
eavesdropping. Robbie does that.
But, for me, she
still didn’t feel all that passive yet, until, on the first day of school,
April steps in and spares Keely the trouble of defending herself. April is a much more vivid character than
Keely and may well steal the scenes they share. Later on that first day, when April is gone,
and Keely faces the embarrassment of not having a lab partner, Jenn and Lynn
bail her out.
Of course, your main
character doesn’t always have to take the lead on everything, but here I think
you’re leaning too far toward the passive.
SAM
I didn’t quite have
a handle on Sam. Is he the hesitant new
kid or the quarterback stud? You might
consider making Sam NOT be the new kid at school. Having him be a new kid confuses things a bit,
and it takes the heat off of Keely to have another newcomer in town, especially
if it’s the guy she has a crush on.
You might just turn
Sam into Craig, combining the characters.
This way, Keely’s red-herring love interest would now be Craig, the
captain of the football team and Melanie’s boyfriend, adding conflict. I think it’s okay -- good actually -- that
Craig is kind of jerky if Keely is going to pair up with Robbie in the end.
KEELY’S MOM
I’m not sure you’re
emphasizing the overprotective nature of the relationship between Keely and her
mom enough to set up the payoff of one of your big Act III moments (when
Keely’s mom realizes Keely’s problems are her fault). Right now, the father-daughter relationship
is eclipsing the mother-daughter one. So
maybe it should be the father, Doug, who is overprotective, like the
overprotective king in the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale.
THEME
Right now you have a
story about fitting in. That could
work. But I don’t know if it’s the most
organic theme for this subject matter.
What if the story were about going for life and not waiting for tomorrow? Living NOW.
Because none of us knows how long we’ll “be awake”. Just a thought.
If you do stick with
the fitting in theme and arc, I think you need to push that theme earlier and
harder. Otherwise, I think a lot of
readers may miss it.
OTHER NOTES
THE DISEASE
I’d still like to
learn more about Keely’s condition. Does
stress bring it on? Is that why going to
school and playing basketball is such a big risk? You’ve got enough in here to set the story up,
but a few more details may add to the script.
A NOTE ON THE
OPENING
This fresh twist on
a fairy tale is definitely marketable.
Precisely because the premise is so saleable, I think your current opening
may be too “straight up”, too dramatic.
I think you really need a little comedy or, if you don’t want that tone,
a small surprise at least, to play to that pessimistic Hollywood reader.
USE OF THE CINDERELLA
STORY
It may be just me,
but I reacted negatively to the use of the Cinderella story in a Sleeping
Beauty movie. I really think it confuses
things, mixing metaphors by mixing up the fairy tales. I’d advise sticking to the Sleeping Beauty
motif.
SUMMING UP
You’re an excellent
writer, and it shows, but I think you have a fundamental issue with how to keep
the “Sleeping Beauty” element at the forefront throughout the film. Once you figure that out, it should all come
together. Hope this helps!
My best,
Doug Davidson
